
If you’re struggling with how to motivate a lazy teenager, this article is for you. I’ll share with you exactly how to get lazy teens to fulfill their responsibilities, without you needing to nag or lecture them at all. It’s challenging to get through to teenagers, but after working with teenagers around the world for more than 10 years, I know which strategies are effective. You probably feel like you’ve tried everything when it comes to motivating your teen, but nothing has worked in the long run. Teens are going through a lot of changes physically, emotionally, and mentally. So the same approaches that worked when they were younger won’t work any longer. If you try using things like rewards and punishments, it’s almost definitely going to backfire. The good news is that there are a handful of key principles to keep in mind, which few parents are aware of. In this video, I’ll share those principles with you. I’ll also cover the 6 proven tips that will enable you to turn your lazy teens into ones who are more hardworking and intrinsically motivated.
Tip #1: Focus less on your teens’ problematic behavior, and more on their underlying emotions
Focus less on your teens’ problematic behavior and more on their underlying emotions. Let me start with an analogy, imagine that you have a problem with your phone. It keeps overheating, and you don’t know why.
So every time your phone gets hot, you put it in the fridge for 20 minutes to cool it down. Is this a good way to solve the overheating problem? of course not. You need to figure out why the phone is overheating in the first place.
Is there something wrong with the battery? Or maybe there’s something wrong with the phone settings? Or maybe, there’s a buggy app that’s causing the phone to overheat? It’s only when you get to the root issue that your phone will stop overheating.
Here’s how this relates to your lazy teenagers, your teens’ problematic behavior is like the phone overheating. You can use incentives, rewards, threats, punishments to make the problematic behaviors go away, at least for a while.
But this would be like putting the hot phone in the fridge, it’s just a temporary fix. If you want to help your lazy teens become hardworking and intrinsically motivated, here’s what you need to do. You need to focus less on their problematic behavior and more on their underlying emotions.
What challenges are they facing that are causing them to be lazy? Maybe they’re feeling overwhelmed or discouraged, or maybe there’s an ongoing power struggle between you and them, and that’s causing them to rebel.
Or maybe they feel like they’re being micromanaged, and that frustrates them. To get your teens to open up, try empathizing with them. Don’t lecture them. Instead, really try to understand how they’re feeling.
Encourage them to keep talking. Say things like, go on or tell me more. Once in a while, summarize what you think your teen has been saying. Reflect it to him or her. For example, you might say to your teen, it sounds like you feel that I’ve been too controlling.
And you feel that I only care about what grades you’re getting in school. remember, the approach that works best is when you do more connecting and less criticizing. when you take this approach, you’ll understand your teens’ underlying emotions.
Then you can help them to improve their attitude and behavior. If you feel like you just can’t get through to your teen, the next tip, Tip Number 2 is for you.
Tip #2: Share your feelings with your teens instead of criticizing them
Share your feelings with your teens instead of criticizing them. I know, it’s so frustrating when you see your teens lazing around watching TV, and playing video games, when they should be studying.
So it’s natural for you to say something like, why are you always watching TV when you should be studying?
Or you might say, you’re addicted to that game. But if you say things like that, your teens will feel like you’re criticizing them, and they’ll become defensive. So what should you do instead? Share your feelings with your teens. For example, in the same situation, you could say something like, you know, I feel worried.
I know you have a Physics exam this week, but you’ve been watching TV for the past 3 hours. I’m worried that you won’t be well prepared for the exam. Or maybe, you could say something like, I feel concerned when I see you playing video games for several hours every day.
When I was younger, I used to be addicted to video games. That affected my life. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. If you share your feelings with your teens, they’ll understand your perspective better. So remember, focus more on your feelings and less on their flaws. Let’s move on to Tip Number 3,
Tip #3: Show your teens that hard work is fun
Show your teens that hard work is fun. My teenage coaching clients often tell me this, they don’t see a single adult in their life who seems to enjoy hard work.
To them, adults always seem to be complaining about their boss, or about how annoyed they feel about their job. so most teens get the idea that hard work is something bad.
They think of hard work as something to be avoided whenever possible. of course, you don’t want your teens to have this kind of attitude. You can be that adult in your teens’ lives, that adult who shows that hard work can be meaningful, rewarding, and even fun.
So, once in a while, tell your teens about the problems you’re facing at work. Tell them about the problems you’re facing in other areas of your life.
Tell them about the joy of working through challenges. explain to them how you’re growing and developing. Over time, your teens will start to see that hard work isn’t something bad.
Most of the time, hard work is something to be enjoyed. If you’re finding the tips useful what’s the biggest problem you’re currently facing with your teen? Now let’s move on to Tip Number 4,
Tip #4: Acknowledge your teens’ efforts and progress
Acknowledge your teens’ efforts and progress. I have many teenage coaching clients who seem lazy and unmotivated. But they tell me that they’re just discouraged. They feel like they’ll never be able to live up to their parent’s expectations.
So they don’t even feel like trying. Since you’re reading this article, you probably think your teenagers are lazy. So it’s natural that you make negative comments about your teens. But if you’re always making negative comments about your teens, and you’re always telling them.
What they’re doing wrong, they’ll start to internalize some negative labels. They might start thinking to themselves, I’m just lazy and unmotivated. Or maybe they might think to themselves, I’m a big procrastinator.
A 15-year-old coaching client once said to me, Daniel, my parents are right. I’m just lazy. I’ll never be able to change. So don’t give your teens any negative labels. If these negative labels become part of their identity, it will be even harder to get your teens to improve.
So what should you do instead? Intentionally observe and acknowledge your teens’ efforts and positive behavior. Focus on progress, not perfection. when it comes to your teens’ development, remember that direction matters more than the destination.
So if your son takes out the trash, which he’s supposed to do anyway, you could say something like, thank you for taking out the trash. Or if you see your daughter focusing on her schoolwork for an hour, you could say something like,
I saw you doing your work for an hour. It seems like your focus is improving. These kinds of comments mean a lot to your teens. If you make these kinds of comments, your teens will be more likely to develop intrinsic motivation.
Researchers like John Gottman even recommend a magic ratio of 5 to 1. This is the ratio that he has observed in thriving family relationships. This ratio means that when communicating with family members, you should make 5 positive comments for every 1 negative comment.
This is if you want it to be a healthy relationship. John Gottman’s research was focused on marriages, but my experience working with teens tells me that the 5 to 1 ratio also applies in the parent-teen relationship.
I’ve had parents tell me that the ratio in their parent-teen relationship is more like 1 is to 100, one positive comment for every one hundred negative comments they make. so acknowledge your teens’ effort and progress, and do your best to achieve this 5 to 1 magic ratio. Let’s move on to Tip Number 5,
Tip #5: Show an interest in all aspects of your teens’ lives
Show an interest in all aspects of your teens’ lives. many parents focus on only a few areas of their teens’ lives. They might focus on areas like academics, sports, music, and household responsibilities.
If this happens in your family, your teens will start to feel like these are the only areas you care about. Your teens will start to feel like they’re being treated as a project instead of as a person. This is how many of my teenage coaching clients feel.
Over time, your teens may start to feel resentful. This will be a huge obstacle to them finding long-term motivation. They may even start to become rebellious or defiant.so you must treat your teenagers a whole people, not as a project to be worked on or a problem to be solved.
Listen to your teens when they talk about their interests. Try out the video games they play. Listen to the music they like. If you do these things, your teens will appreciate it. It won’t seem as if you’re always disapproving of their interests and hobbies.
They’ll be reminded that you love them unconditionally. This will make them more likely to change for the better. many of my teenage coaching clients tell me this, they feel like their parents love them more when they’re doing well in school, or doing well in life in general.
I’m sure this isn’t the case, parents love their children no matter what. But teens don’t always see it this way. So it doesn’t hurt to remind your teens once in a while that you do love them unconditionally. This brings us to Tip Number 6,
Tip #6: Turn the conflict with your teen into a collaboration
Turn the conflict with your teen into a collaboration. What does this mean? It means that when you talk to your teen about his or her lack of motivation, you keep this in mind, you don’t want the conversation to become a face-to-face conflict.
Instead, you want the conversation to be a side-by-side collaborative problem-solving session. when you talk to your teen, make it clear that your teen is not the problem. The situation is the problem. You’re going to work together with your teen to find a solution.
And you’re going to make sure that the solution is something that both of you are happy with. During this problem-solving session, try to understand how your teen feels. What are his frustrations? What’s been bothering him?
How would he like you to support him? Share your point of view without letting your emotions get the better of you. If you start to get angry, take a break. Restart the conversation later. When you understand your teen’s perspective, and your teen understands your perspective, then you can start brainstorming possible solutions.
Make sure that no one walks away feeling like a loser. The goal is to arrive at a win-win solution, or at least, a no-lose solution.